Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
MAGA voters from the heartland like to say that city snob--or "coastal elites"--look down on them as stupid and uninformed. Hey guess what? For once you're right about something! Vampiric day traders are laughing all the way to the banks as you prop up a greedy, narcissistic, lying swindler and a gang of cowardly robber-barons who are bleeding you and your family dry while you stand up and cheer.
Your "populist" savior campaigned on draining the swamp, then lined his cabinet with Goldman execs and CEOs, and you waved your dumb little flags. Oh, the economy is "humming"? Please Google "hum job" for details. While you're at it, you might want to look up "economic bubble." You don't own stock, do you? Although the answer is "probably not," when the bubble bursts you and I will be paying for it all the same--just like last time. Try humming a few bars of this: real wages have stagnated for decades, all growth is at the top, our health care costs escalate while medical insurance and pharmaceutical giants rake it in, and despite what Annoying Orange told you, those 1950s factory jobs are not coming back. Every heard of a ROBOT boiii? p.s. science is real.
Hey, you know who else looks down on the other half of the country as stupid and uninformed? You do. YOU said Obama was the worst president ever, YOU called him a monkey, YOU said he golfed too much and wanted to destroy America. YOU called Obamacare evil, then you voted to expand Medicaid. Listen, fucks, expansion of Medicaid is PART OF OBAMACARE. Obama may have been a standard corporate Democrat, but like it or not, he took a shit economy and polished that turd for 8 years. By the time Captain Underpants got to it, the economy was slightly less rotten. And yet, somehow now you're focused on imaginary hordes of immigrant rapists and some kind of shadowy ill-defined Socialist conspiracy? Fuck you I hate Americans we deserve to die en masse.
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
You know that phrase "all God's creatures?" The language is deceiving, it makes it sound like all creatures are God's. Not all are.
Dolphins are God's creatures, as are dogs, bees, whales, and deer. But an equal number of creatures are the Devil's: monkeys, birds, snakes, and mosquitoes, to name just a few. Some people don't know this, but squirrels also emanate from the Devil's domain. You can tell by looking into their eyes, if you'd care to take a peek into the eternal, terrifying void. Also the way they run around obsessively hoarding and burying nuts seems more than a little bit cultish.
Many more creatures are in limbo, with allegiance to neither God nor Satan. These would include the lizards, the worms, armadillos, all single-celled organisms, and Jill Stein.
On a related note, why do they call it God's green earth. "They" should have a look at Google Earth, which clearly shows that the earth is mostly blue, followed by white, orange, gray, and then green. Not that much of it is green. I mean, look at Saudi Arabia, it's like 10 times the size of Texas and not a tree to be found. I guess the Supreme Being of Judeo-Christendom tossed the shittiest scraps of land over to ya boi Allah huh? LOL REKT 
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
Someone told me a family friend once served him roast beef cooked in diet root beer. That gave me an idea. Stop worrying about what goes with what. Just combine shit and eat it. Well, surprise, I did that and I found some good combos. Have you tried basil on oatmeal? How about peanut butter and cucumber on toast? Whiskey with brown sugar and sriracha cocktail? Maybe these ideas sound idiotic to you. In my book, they all make a lot more sense than "special sauce," which is ketchup + mustard + relish, i.e. an abomination before God.
And re: "you can't say 'retarded' anymore": if the argument is that when you use that term, you're making fun of retarded people, or denigrating their condition, then by that logic you shouldn't ever say anything or anyone is ugly, or moronic, or needle-dicked, or lame, because people are all of those things, and most of the time they can't help it. But those are some of the most useful words in the English language.
My workplace tried to ban the word "savage" recently and all the employees of color had a good long laugh. Hey, maybe someone should go tell 21 Savage that he's a racist.
Oh now goddamn it, how did I end up on the same side of an issue as Jordan Peterson?
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
| Ask Jeeves | Goatse.cx |
| Global Village modems | POP3 protocol |
| Geocities | the <blink> tag |
| Am I Hot or Am I Not? | AltaVista |
| CompuServe | Cliff Yablonski Hates You |
| superbad.com | ftp, gopher, Kermit |
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
I recently got my DNA tested and it turns out I'm 30% Ashkenazi Jew. Someone called me a "nazi" once, little did I know it was sort of true. Funny thing: based on family heritage, I always assumed I was 1/2 Norwegian and 1/4 Jew, but the testing shows that about 5% of the Norwegian genetic material lost out to the Jewish side. Do you think the Jew genes tricked the Scandinavian ones somehow? Or charged them interest in the womb? For the record, I'm not a self-hating Jew, I'm just self-hating. And self-loving.
I wonder what else they'll be able to test for soon. Like gayness. I'd like to know where I stand on the gay spectrum, because who really knows, what with all the weird dreams you have and James Franco running around all over the place. But I think I'm probably around the 10% mark because I'm a mixed martial arts fan, and watching two pumped dudes roughly groping each other inside a cage is about as gay as it gets.
I think pretty much anyone who watches sports is automatically at least 10% gay, right? Unless you're some loner guy who only watches women's athletic competitions, in which case you should probably be reported to the authorities.
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
- * G&S Fibreflex // Bennetts // Cadillacs
- * Sims Taper Kick // ACS 500's // OJ's
- * Logan EarthSki // Tracker mids // RR 4's
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
When picking a name for a pet, remember that you will be calling out to them often. Once you realize that for the most part you'll be shouting:
"Come on, ______" or
"Down, _________" or "No, ________!"
then it becomes immediately clear that the most natural names for a pet are "Goddamnit" or "Brett.
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
These days, enlightened parents treat their kids to fun, catchy and relevant songs by Cardi B, Grimes, the Misfits. But I remember so many crappy singalongs when I was little. I wonder if kids are still exposed to this shit, and if so, is anyone asking the critical questions:
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
x I know two people who once went to a Minor Threat gig with Elmer's glue smeared all over their faces!x Ian MacKaye sings like a track coach egging on his teammates to sprint to the finish line!x Black Flag is what happens when Minor Threat goes through puberty and becomes an alcoholic!x Minor Threat is what Ben Shapiro listens to in a parallel universe!
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
I saw a thing on CNN (yeah, I know, they suck, but still) where MAGA people were asked why they voted for him, and half of them said they thought he would protect their Christian values. Dear hypocrites: the Seven Deadly Sins are the major moral pitfalls decried by Christians everywhere, and that fat fuck is the poster boy for every one of them. Don't believe me? Check out this handy chart:
| Pride | Spray tan, toupee, x-long tie |
| Greed | Emoluments |
| Lust | Stormy Daniels/pussy grabbing |
| Envy | Anti-Obama whatever |
| Gluttony | Big Macs in bed |
| Wrath | CNN |
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
Yawny: That lady in the mattress store called us "slender people."
Wife: Yeah, you were probably into that.
Yawny: No! It was weird! It's like a combination of "Slenderman" and "plastic people." Like, "ooh, the Slender People are coming to get you."
Wife: Don't make a big deal out of it.
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
I've heard about dentists giving their patients laughing gas or Xanax or whatever for routine teeth cleanings. Apparently that all happens in some mythical land, because my dentists have always wielded their little icepicks and Dremels with gleeful abandon, never once offering any relief to their suffering charge unless I was getting the whole damn tooth pulled. I don't understand why they would withhold standard-issue pain medication during an uncomfortable, semi-traumatic procedure, while general practitioners break open fentanyl piñatas to any old coal miner holding his hand out. Big Pharma, get your ass in here and DO SOMETHING.
The way I deal with it is by thinking of a countdown timer. Let's say I have 25 more years to live. That makes 50 trips to the dentist total. So next time I go in for a cleaning I can say:"Ha ha, 1 down, 49 to go, then you'll never be able to hurt me again, you horrible, sadistic piece of shit.
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
For I will consider my cat Bijou,
For she is the bane of the Living Man who shares his abode with her.
For she strews the litter upon the wooden floors.
For she treads heavily upon the face of each Man while he sleeps.
For she loudly inveighs upon the sleeping to let her out into the wild.
For her combative manner ensures travels to the Emergency Room.
For she interrupts the worker's vision with her blocking body.
For she soils the garden and scratches the couch fabric.
For she bites the hand that strokes her.
For she can endlessly nag.
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
is still being printed on paper, exactly like something an old person would do, although cassettes and LPs are "in" with the young, so suck it, and anyway this is only for faithful types who have paid or indicated interest in receiving said paper copy. Facts: it's online too which is probably how you're reading this. www.yawnysdigest.com. Send email and address updates to info (at) yawnysdigest (dot) com. Insta: @yawnysdigest
Issue: 12-3 (orig. pub. date: )
